Bride Question Of The Week: What Should I Do About An MIA Bridesmaid?

This week’s question is about MIA bridesmaids and what to do about them: 

"Please tell me what I should do. I have a group chat for all my bridesmaids (there are 6) which I use to let them know things about what to wear for the wedding, any events we have coming up, and just generally keeping in touch with them in preparation for my upcoming wedding. I chose every one of my bridesmaids carefully based on my close relationship with them. I wanted only supportive people around me because I take this seriously. 

I gave out bridesmaids’ proposal boxes to each one AFTER confirming they wanted to be in the wedding and had the time, money, and desire to do it. All of my bridesmaids seem excited and happy for me and they are engaged in the group chat EXCEPT ONE. Let’s call her Sonia. I met Sonia in college and we were roommates and SUPER close. She lives in another city but we were so close that we talked or texted every day. She knows all about my relationship with my fiance, hinted about being a bridesmaid, and acted all excited when I asked her including going on Live as she opened her proposal box, filled with carefully curated things I knew she would love. 

Well, she’s no longer answering any chats. For all I know, she hasn’t bought her dress yet, hasn’t confirmed when she will get in for my bridal shower and bachelorette trips, and according to my MOH who created a separate bridesmaids chat so they can plan, she keeps leaving messages on read or she will not make any comments. She doesn’t participate in any planning for my wedding activities. 

It’s been months of this and I don’t know what to do. I feel like it’s time to kick her out, but I love this girl. Why isn’t she participating, she seemed so happy for me. I feel so lost and sad about this. What should I do?"

-Mesha

Hey Mesha,

First of all congratulation on your upcoming wedding! This is a question I see ALL the time. Why aren’t bridesmaids who you used to be close to responding to or participating in anything in your wedding planning process? Especially a bridesmaid who seemed to want to be part of your wedding, even going so far as telling you outright they wanted to be your bridesmaid? Weddings, funerals, getting a new and high-paying job, buying a home, or having a baby show people’s true colors and how really feel about you but before you block and delete them, hold on, and let’s consider a few things first. 

Your wedding is a huge deal in your life and will change your life so of course, everything revolves around your big day. However, for other people in your life, it’s just another big event for someone else. While you are in blissful planning mode, your bridesmaid could be experiencing things in her life that keeps her attention away from you. My first suggestion is to give her a call and ask her how’s life rather than accuse her of not caring about you anymore or being a hater. She may have lost her job, broken up with her Boo, have health issues, be experiencing a huge change at home, or a variety of other big life changes which puts your wedding at the bottom of the list. Sorry. The only way you will know if she has things going on that are taking up her bandwidth is if you ask her. 

Set up your conversation something like this (maybe send a text first to confirm if she’s available): “Hey Sonia, I just wanted to catch up with you and see how you are doing. I haven’t had as much time to talk to you like we used to - wedding planning is so crazy. Once this is all over, let’s go out to brunch, my treat. I feel so blessed to have you as a bridesmaid and have you stand beside me. (MOH) told me you missed a few group chats so I wanted to reach out and make sure you’re still able to participate. I know life gets crazy sometimes.”  If she says she’s unable to be a bridesmaid but still wants to attend, make sure to send her an invitation because she can still be there for you in a different way. 

However, if her answer is glib, rude or she doesn’t respond to your initial text, it’s up to you to decide what to do. Many brides find some of their closest relationships are never the same and if that happens to you, try not to focus on it and remember everyone can’t come with you to your new life. Remove her from your bridesmaids’ list and circle back once your festivities are over if you feel you need closure. 

Have a question you want me to answer in an upcoming post? Email me at design@bydanisimone.com and I’ll try to answer your question soon. Names, locations, and any identifying details will be changed to insure your privacy.